EVIL SM STORIES: Rei's Fun Move!
by vavvoom
Summary: Rei goes murders her archery teacher and move to the North Pole? Evil elves attack? Part of my EVIL SM STORY series! *Caution: Insanity ahead!*


Rei's Fun Move  
  
Once upon a time, Rei Hino went to school in Tokyo. She had a lot of fun at her snobby girls private school.  
Until, one day, something terrible happened. Something that changed Rei's life forever. Picture Day!!  
Rei had to get her picture taken with all the other students who were in the archery club for the school  
yearbook. At first, she thought it would be really cool. Rei loved getting her picture taken.  
When it was exactly 1:25, she and the other archery students reported to the gym to get changed into  
their archery clothes to get their photo taken.   
Rei went to the changing room and put on her robes. They looked beautiful on her, and she smiled as   
she thought how retarded all the other girls would look compared to her, the STAR of the team!!  
  
All the girls filed into the gym with their bows. The photographer happened to be this ugly pimply kid   
named David.  
He also happened to love pranks. When he saw how ugly all the other girls looked compared to Rei, he  
decided that just wouldn't do. He asked to be excused for a moment, because he had to go to the bathroom.  
But he had something else on his fowl brain. As he walked past Rei, he slapped her on the butt.  
Rei screamed and accidentally released her arrow from the bow. It killed her archery teacher.  
  
David laughed and ran away. Rei looked completely shocked and couldn't speak.  
Everyone screamed and ran and told the principal and all the police that Rei had shot poor Mr. Winkle!!!  
They expelled her, her parents disowned her, the police arrested her, and all her friends hated her.  
That night, Rei sat in her dark cell (in those ugly striped clothes) wondering why she had shot the arrow.   
She only remembered a sharp pain in her butt and then shooting. She cried and cried. All of a sudden, a pig   
flew by her window.  
It was saying something in Italian. "Ti volgio autare!!"  
Rei thought the pig looked nice and fat.  
The pig kept yelling. "Voi auito??"  
She licked her lips. The prison food really sucked.  
The pig farted. It hovered a little higher. "Si o no?"  
She reached up towards the window and grabbed the pig's leg.  
"SQUEEE!!!! SQUEEE!!!" the pig pulled, and it's leg fell off.  
Rei dropped onto the floor and ate the leg, bones and all.  
The pig grew a new one. "Allora, vado aprire le fenestra."  
The pig farted on the bars, and they melted away.  
Rei climbed through. "Hooray, I escaped!"  
The pig was flabbergasted. "Ma, to parli japonese?"  
Rei had no idea what he was saying. She was still hungry. She bit him.  
He flew away, by farting, with Rei holding onto his butt with her teeth. She thought she was going to die.  
They flew over the Atlantic Ocean, all the way to the North Pole. It was really cold. Rei was freezing to death   
in her prison clothes.  
The pig ran out of gas and died. They had landed on a bunch of snow. Rei ate him. Then she built an igloo out of   
snow.  
  
Santa Claus went outside and smelled the pig's gas. He screamed and ran inside. All the elves almost died. They sent out   
the elf army to investigate. The elf army, (wearing gas masks) found Rei's igloo, which smelled horrible.  
They broke in and took her hostage. Rei kicked them around like soccerballs for a while, then decided she should let  
them take her because they probably had a REAL house. She pretended to be caught and they went to Santa's house.  
  
Santa said she was truly evil and said she would be getting a helluva lot of coal this Chrismas. Rei laughed  
and said they don't celebrate Christmas in Japan anyway. Santa got mad. He said Rei would have to be an elf for the rest  
of her life. Rei thought that might be fun.  
Santa changed her ugly prison clothes for an elf suit, which was wayyyyy to small for her. It showed half of her stomach  
and it looked more like a bikini than a suit.  
Rei really liked it.  
One day, the elves revolted. Santa didn't know what to do. If they didn't finish the toys, he would be in big trouble.  
Rei was bored of an elf's life. She said she knew what to do, but she would only tell Santa if he released her.  
He said whatever.  
Rei said the elves didn't like the cafeteria food. Elves hate lasagna. So Santa asked what they would like.  
Rei said elves just looove wood. Old rotten wood.  
  
So Santa gave it to them. But the elves DID NOT like it. The became even MORE revolting.  
Rei promised her next idea would work. She said elves go nuts over Poison Oak leaves, mixed with motor oil.  
Santa thought that was a brilliant idea. He tried it.  
  
The eleves ate it, then they began to....MUTATE!!! THEY GOT ULGY AND PIMPLY AND LOOKED JUST LIKE DAVID!!  
they wanted revenge!!! THEY STORMED THE NORTH POLE!!!  
In the meantime, Rei was back in her igloo, reading a fun story called, "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish."  
SuddEnly, she hear a sound like a avalance heading right at her. She looked out the door of her igloo.  
She saw a giant herd of pimply elves running at her with sharp Buzz Lightyear toys. She screamed and ran as fast as  
she could.  
  
She ran all the way to the edge of the Arctic, and the pimply elves cornered her on a high cliff. She looked down.  
There were killer seals in the water, and they laughed at her and snapped their teeth.  
She gulped.  
  
The pimply elves started throwing plastic toys and zapping her with fake lightbulb lazers. She was blinded and fell hard,  
buried by Evas and Gundams and Big O robots. The pimply elves laughed and jumped on her in a big pile, and tried to pull  
out her hair. Suddenly, the chunk of ice they were on plunged into the water, and all the elves fell off. They were eaten  
by the killer seals. Now that they had eaten, the seals went back to their houses in California. Rei floated away  
in the middle of the ocean. She was totally lost, and had no food at all. She magically survived for 3 years,   
eating her chunk of ice for water, and eating the plastic toys. Finally, she ran out of food, and had to eat her   
own clothes. She really hope that if she was ever rescued, whoever rescued her would understand.  
  
She floated and floated, until one day, she came all the way across the ocean to the ANTactic, on the other side of the   
world!! There was a tiny island near her. Rei gathered up all her courage, took a deep breath, and jumped into the water.  
She tried to gasp, but the water was so cold she couldn't even breathe!! She somehow managed to swim to the island,   
and sat down the ice. Instantly, her butt froze to it. She struggled, but all of a sudden, all the water on her froze   
until she became one big Rei-Icicle.   
A penguin came and laughed at her. It danced around her and made rude gestures.  
(She was still without clothing) Rei was really mad, but what could she do!? Finally, she got soooo mad, she heated   
up the ice and in one HUGE explosion she broke free of the ice. She ran after the penguin, screaming and cursing. She  
finally caught up, and she beat to crap out of it. Since it was dead now, she decided to use it's fur-like fearhters to  
make some clothes. They looked really good on her. (Most things do.) She walked around comfortably in her penguin-flipper  
shoes. They made a lovely *sQUIIISH-squiK* noise with every step. Another penguin came out of a hole in the iceberg.  
She (the penguin) screamed! The penguin yelled," WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HUBIE!!?"  
Rei had no idea who Hubie was, or why the penguin could talk. She assumed the penguin must be a strange mutated creature,  
like Luna and Artemis. The other penguin (her name was MARINA) ran over to Rei and bit her. Rei couln't feel anything  
through the tough penguin suit. Marina kept biting her until her dentures fell out. Then she sat down and cried.  
Rei felt really bad for this really pathetic penguin, but she didn't know why it was all her fault. She squatted down and  
petted the penguin on the head. Marina sniffed. "WHY DID YOU KILL HUBIE!!?" (In japanese)  
Rei explained that Hubie had been very rude and she was desperate for clothes. Marina understood. The penguin   
invited Rei to her cave. Rei said that would be great.  
At Marina's house, everything was made of ice. Marina told Rei that Hubie was her fiancee. "But now I will never have a   
husband!!!" Rei felt guilty.  
Then Marina brightened up. "I know! YOU can be my husband!!!" Rei looked scared.  
Marina smiled. "Yes, that will be perfect, otherwise I'll have to marry DRAKE, the POOPING PENGUIN!!"  
Rei wanted to get out, fast!!  
Marina jumped and grabbed Rei's leg. "I will never let go of your leg for the rest of my life!!"  
"Then your life is going to be very short!!" screamed Rei. "I'm a girl!! GETTOFF!!"  
Marina looked confused. "You're a GIRL? All humans look the same! Oh, well, who cares?? I like your leg!!" She petted   
Rei's leg.  
  
Rei tried to run, but MArina was too heavy. Marina laughed. "You'll never escape!! AND I'LL NEVER MARRY DRAKE!!"  
Marina was cutting off Rei's circulation. Rei tried hitting her off, but Marina was really strong. Rei decided to cut off   
her leg.  
She grabbed a nearby machete and lifted it into the air. All of a sudden, there was a knock at the cave.  
It was Drake. He came and got poop all over the Persian carpet. He saw Marina holding onto Rei's leg. He thought Rei was  
Hubie, because she was wearing him. Drake laughed and walked over to her. He tried to push Rei over, but he only came up  
to her knee. He looked surprised. "Hubie, did you grow?"  
Rei kicked him and he got mad. He pooped on everything in the cave. Rei and Marina almost died from the toxic fumes.  
Rei threw a "EVIL SPIRITS BEGONE" strip at him and he died. They ate him for dinner.  
  
Many years went by, and Rei got used to having Marina stuck to her leg. Rei went to the bathroom with her, went swimming  
with her, and even ate dinner with her. One day, Rei heard a familiar noise. It was an AIRPLANE!!  
She ran outside (she was stronger now that MArina had helped her weightlift). Rei waved and screamed and the airplane   
stopped and came down to pick her up. SHe gave the pilot directions, and he flew her back to Tokyo, Japan. And Rei made   
new friends, was adopted by a nice old couple, and lived the rest of her life working for the Italian Flying Pig Mafia.  
The only strange thing was, it was so hard to explain to everyone exactly WHY there was a penguin stuck to her leg... 


End file.
